The Letters of Kathy Janeway
by zoemhi
Summary: A letter, 21st century style, from Janeway describes her day and according to the subject slot on the top...there's a promotion for you involved! And then some more after....Please review!! It's funny, I promise!! Everyone I let proofread it laughed the w
1. Janeway Resigns

Disclaimer: Paramount owns Janeway. I don't!! I do, however, happen to own the Ensign...who happens to be you! Anyway, you know the drill. Yeah. Enjoy!   
  
STARDATE: 0824.01  
SUBJECT: PROMOTION  
RECIPIENT: ENSIGN U.  
  
Dear Ensign,  
It is 0400 hours. I decided against giving Harry the night shift today. After going into my quarters and changing, I had a "gut feeling", as they said in the 21st century...so, on instinct (and since I slept till 1300 hours this morning), I beamed myself to the bridge. Harry Kim, the one ensign I had entrusted with the enormous responsibility of bridge command (no offence, Ensign), was wearing a Cruella DeVil (21st century character) wig, and acting just a little bit...off, to put it mildly (he was doing back-flips that I would have considered beyond his capabilities). Okay...acting very stoned. I relieved him of duty, beamed him to sickbay, and told the doctor to keep an open comm. link with the bridge. Chakotay then stepped off the turbo lift wearing an enormous, neon green wig and saying, "Harry! I'm ready! Sorry I'm late!" (What is it with my bridge officers and big wigs during the night shift?) I relieved him of duty. That would be when he walked off the bridge, sulking. And then of course, there's always Seven. Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One, she said her name was. I remember the day perfectly. Anyway, Seven commed me not two minutes after the occurrence, to inform me that the Vidyans were approaching on high impulse off our port bow. She didn't sound too friendly. I relieved her of duty. And then, not wanting to be suddenly deprived of my kidneys, I zapped us off in the opposite direction. This did take me a while, longer than I expected, because (since the opposite direction happened to be Borg-infested) Tom would not comply. I relieved him of duty. Obviously, someone who would prefer to lose his lungs than blow up a few Borg spheres-and maybe a cube-would be considered unfit for duty. Then I zapped us off in the opposite direction. Tuvok then had the "gall" (yes, 21st century) to tell me that-and I quote- "the ship cannot function with no one to operate its systems". I relieved him of duty for questioning my orders. Then I all but deleted the doctor's program because his opera was doing a fantastic job...of driving me up the wall! (I may have missed a few subroutines-hopefully not the musical ones-so the damage is probably not irreparable. B'Elanna, surprisingly, was one of the last people on the ship still on duty. She was, actually, the last person on the ship still on duty, apart from you and me. Of course, she had to go and ruin that by comming me to tell me that the warp core was offline and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. Her voice was just a tad too firm for my liking (what happened to the whole 'be nice to your captain and she'll be nice to you' thing?). I relieved her of duty. Did I neglect to mention that somewhere between finding a neon green wig on my first officer's head and deleting the only medical assistance we have here in the Delta quadrant, I fazered Neelix...with the setting set to kill? I thought it was on stun, honestly I did! But the guy seriously needs (needed?) to replicate himself a coffee maker (21st century coffee-making gadget) with a sign on it that said, SELF SERVICE! I'm tempted to call the Q...or...something. So, I, your captain, am giving you, the only sane person left on this ship, a direct order (are "letters" considered direct orders?). Starting at 0600 hours today, you are to assume the rank of captain. Congratulations on your promotion, Ensign! Or would you prefer (drum roll please...) Captain? If you need me, I'll be in my quarters, enjoying...well, enjoying the ability to enjoy myself! Oh. You can have my ready room. It's OK. Oh, and by the way...if you do run into the Borg, which you might, seeing as this part of space is Borg-infested, as I said before, tell the queen I said hi.  
  
Kathy Janeway  
Ex-Captain  
U.S.S. Voyager  
  
There is, by the way, a reason I am using such a primitive form of writing (as opposed to a PADD). It is a 21st century form of writing, done with "gel pen" on "notebook paper". It's simple, really. I'm trying to escape back into the 21st century, so I don't have to deal with the 24th century. In the words of Seven of Nine, I am unique. I am Kathy Janeway.  



	2. Tom Paris

STARDATE: 0826.01  
SUBJECT: Paris  
RECIPIENT: Ensign U.  
  
Dear Ensign,  
Life is good! I was on the holodeck this morning, because I was bored out of my mind, you know how it is, and Tom Paris came in. I was running the Da Vinci program and he wanted to test the new and improved warp core, which he had designed by himself, because B'Elanna's still off duty. I told him he probably should have knocked because his ex-captain (wonder who that is?) had a whole lot of influence over his current one and manners count! He started complaining about how awful sickbay was and how honestly stupid it was of you to have reassigned him to sickbay when you were trying to maneuver Voyager above, below, and between three Borg cubes and a sphere, which, in my opinion, was pretty stupid. Ensign, Ensign, Ensign...you don't reassign our best pilot to sickbay during a battle with the Borg! That's just not smart! If we didn't have our best pilot at helm, then we'd probably get ourselves blown up and then there wouldn't be a sickbay to reassign him to! And also, that would make him angry! And if he were angry, he probably wouldn't be paying too much attention to what he was doing. And anyway, I can tell you from experience, you do not assign someone who is angry to sickbay! Understand?!? He could have stuck the wrong thing in hypospray! Someone could get hurt! Oh, I can see it now: "Okay, was Samantha planning on waking up anytime soon? Oh...wait...oops! Oh, well...Naomi won't be too thrilled." Or something to that effect! I mean, come on! Be smart! Let's just think for a minute here, okay? Okay! Couldn't you have picked, like, someone who was just sitting around in Engineering, not fixing anything...or something? Anyway, I tried to relieve him of duty again, but he coldly informed me that I didn't have the power to do that anymore. I, just as coldly, told him that I knew that, and I was going to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, anyway, and he'd just better just get used to it! Then I kicked him off the holodeck. So don't blow your top when tells you that he couldn't run the warp core simulation. Because I confess. It's all my fault. See you tomorrow.  
  
Kathy Janeway  
Ex-Captain  
U.S.S. Voyager  



	3. Tuvok

STARDATE: 0827.01  
SUBJECT: Tuvok  
RECIPIENT: Ensign U.  
  
Dear Ensign,  
I showed up on the bridge today...but you know that, you were there. There are, however, a lot of things that you don't know. My command codes, for example! I did manage to steal Tuvok from right under your nose, I couldn't believe you didn't notice (did you notice?), you really need to become more observant! I took him to Astrometrics, told Seven to beat it, accessed Stellar Cartography, and pretty much completely screwed up the entire map of the quadrant that we have. Tell Harry to get to it...and if he asks what happened, and how it messed up so badly, tell him I said to tell him that I pushed the button! I was just having fun, honestly I was! Tuvok told me in that monotonous voice of his, "You may not want to push that button, Captain." My response was to push the button. Oops! Well, it's not like I knew what it did! Captains are spared the necessity of the memory of that knowledge! So I pushed the button. Tuvok lectured me. Boo-hoo. Like I care, I was bored...I wanted to have fun! Just for the record, though, when I told Tuvok that, he said, "I recommended that you not push the button. You did not comply." I couldn't help thinking that if Seven had been around, she would have said, "Irrelevant. Now that she has pushed the button, we must consider the consequences." I know Seven way too well. It's scary, really. I didn't tell Tuvok what Seven would have said, though. I said, "Yeah, well..." and then stopped. Sorry, Harry! Tuvok was then kind enough to inform me that I was a security risk, or something to that effect, before he had me escorted to my quarters, the nerve of him! I was his captain a few days ago! How dare he! You need to get him back in line as soon as possible, what's wrong with you? Okay, well, I have some holodeck time saved up. Maybe I'll see if I can manually pry these doors open and go swimming.  
  
Kathy Janeway  
Ex-Captain  
U.S.S. Voyager  



	4. B'Elanna Torres

Stardate: 0828.01  
Subject: Miral  
Recipient: Ensign U.  
  
Dear Ensign,  
B'Elanna Torres and Tom Paris are so taking their...baby...thing...to the other side of the ship! Miral's yelling is driving me absolutely insane! Why did I stick them right next to me, and why aren't my quarters soundproofed? It's almost as bad as Harry Kim and the whole clarinet deal! I broke it to B'Elanna this morning. I believe she said something along the lines of, "What, do you want me to sedate her?" I told her that she had an hour to move. Her response? "If it bothers you so much, why don't you move?" I told her, "I'm the captain, that's why!" Of course, all that did was get me the standard response I've been getting lately: "No, you're not." What could I say? We could have gone on like that forever, acting like we were two, instead of two Starfleet senior officers, but we didn't. I beamed Tuvok to the room we were in, specifically, my quarters. I apparently caught him off guard, because he was meditating. I told him to tell B'Elanna to move, as he was of a higher rank than she was (Is Tuvok's rank higher? I don't know. Well, she didn't know, either, so it's all good). He told her to move, informed her that it was a direct order, and beamed himself back to his quarters without opening his eyes or standing up. "But I like deck one," B'Elanna complained. I said that she would like deck twelve even better and told her that she'd better get going because she needed to pack. Honestly! That girl needs to learn some manners! I wish I could reprimand her like I did Tom a few years ago ("When you're in a room with me, you check that attitude at the door, understood?") but I can because as of last week, I have no rank. Oh, well. She's gone. Finally. Peace.  
  
Kathy Janeway  
Ex-Captain  
U.S.S. Voyager  



	5. Harry Kim

STARDATE: 0829.01  
SUBJECT: Harry Kim  
RECIPIENT: Ensign U.  
  
Dear Ensign,  
I saw Harry Kim today. I ran into him on my way to the mess hall to get some coffee. Needless to say, he was a little bit embarrassed. I stood there (staring at him like a complete idiot, might I add) expectantly, waiting for an apology. All I got was an, "Um, hi. I'm due on the bridge." You put him on the night shift? How could you? After the green wig incident...just so you know, I don't trust him. How could I? Anyway, I stopped him and told him I had talked to Chakotay (which was a complete lie, I haven't even seen Chakotay for so long...) and I knew (I desperately hoped) that he was off duty, and I was waiting for an apology. He stopped, turned around, and went into a whole, long-winded, incredibly boring speech about how sorry he was and how stupid he had been, and I told him comfortingly to stuff it, and that he had always been a lousy liar, which was not always a bad thing. He rolled his eyes. I just stood there, extremely relieved that I had been right, when he informed me that he had not been lying, actually was late for duty, and really needed to leave. Oops! Oh, well. Don't yell at him. Sorry, Harry. I'm just kind of going around getting everyone in trouble, why should he be an exception to that? Am I making your job more difficult, Ensign? Well, if you think I am, you and your colleagues made my job way more difficult than it should have been, so ha! Oh, come on, don't you try to deny it, either. I love not having to deal with that anymore! Do you know how easy it would have been to command a ship full of Vulcans? Gosh, I should go find the Vulcan high command and see if I can join. Imagine...no troublemakers. Complete logic. Everyone would follow orders without question. It'd be weird, really.  
  
Kathy Janeway  
Ex-Captain  
U.S.S. Voyager  



	6. The Doctor

STARDATE: 0830.01  
SUBJECT: Doctor  
RECIPIENT: Ensign U.  
  
Dear Ensign,  
B'Elanna managed to recreate the Doctor's program, which means that we have medical assistance again, which is good. Apart from that, life is boring. Oh...the Doctor did manage to revive Neelix. Apparently my fazer was halfway between stun and kill and that stuns, but without modifying your tricorder, it's like completely impossible to see if there are any life signs, or vital signs, or whatever they're called. I have a headache. I'm hoping it isn't that species that stuck invisible needles into our heads again. Call me a pessimist, but with all that Voyager's been through, is anyone on this ship-with the exception of Harry (ah, the joys of youth) and Seven ("I was Borg. We will be successful")-still optimistic? I don't think so! Okay. Anyway. Getting back to the Doctor, he was not happy about having been deleted in the middle of a song, and while he was attending to a patient. I quote: "Captain! I was with Harry! And I do not appreciate being deleted in the middle of a song! My musical aura is deteriorating, I can just feel it!" I told him that I was sorry, that Harry was perfectly peachy, and that although I respected his efforts to expand beyond his initial programming-and had- opera was taking it just one step beyond what I was capable of bearing, and if he could figure out a way to expand the organic equivalent to patience subroutines, he was completely welcome to keep singing opera for just as long as he liked. He told me he would work on it. I said thank you. He said your welcome. Surprisingly enough, we proceeded to carry on a completely normal conversation (we discussed whether or not it was ethical for organic cells to be replicated at the subatomic level) after that. I'm not too sure how, but that's okay. Anyway. Since I didn't get to go swimming the other day...because Tom was on the holodeck-yes, I did knock-(Captain Proton, was it?), I might try my luck today. See you later!  
  
Kathy Janeway  
Ex-Captain  
U.S.S. Voyager  



	7. Seven of Nine

STARDATE: 0903.01  
SUBJECT: Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One  
RECIPIENT: Ensign U.  
  
Dear Ensign,  
Hi! Good morning! How are you this fine day? I know...I know...you're thinking, 'okay, this woman is just really weird, she has been depressed and annoyed for what feels like so long, and now she's being all bouncy and happy'. But it's not what you think, I feel great! I ran into Seven today in Astrometrics, and I talked to her for a while, something I haven't done in a long time. Oddly, she was the first person who was actually halfway nice to me. I mean, most people were either very cool or incredibly angry with me...which, I guess I should have expected, but I wasn't expecting Seven, the most defiant person on the ship, probably, to so not frustrated. I saw her and she said, "Captain. How nice to see that you're not moping." Okay, so it could have been sarcastic, but I was happy...and anyway, Seven's never sarcastic. I even replicated Seven an extra large slice of classic New York cheesecake. She almost refused to eat it, something about her figure, but I made her. I told her that nutritional supplements were not completely covering her every need and the doctor had said that the ingredients in the cheesecake were perfect for maintaining her implants. She wasn't too happy, but she ate it anyway. Good old Seven. I decided that she really did need to eat something other than nutritional supplements created by the Borg, for the Borg, and replicated her an entire meal, which she unwillingly forked down. Anyway...I had a really good day after that. I finally managed to get in some holodeck time, for the first time in like a month, and I went swimming, like I said I wanted to the other day. I ran some program that Tom wrote, and it was fun. Fun...that's a word no one's been using for a while, isn't it? Maybe I'll go talk to Neelix and see if he'll help me pull together a party in the mess hall. Or I'll call Q. Yeah...I think I'll call Q.  
  
Kathy Janeway  
Ex-Captain  
U.S.S. Voyager  



	8. I'm baa-aack!!

Personal Log  
Kathryn Janeway  
Stardate 1010.01  
  
Well, I'm back. It's just so wonderful. I'm sitting here in my ready room (wow! I can actually accurately say that again!), and I'm wondering why I ever quit. Resigned. Same thing. Oh, wait...I know why...because everyone on the ship was frustrating me (ugh...I have to use big words again)! They did everything from be Neelixie to the classic green wig! I guess I was just having an off day. I'm surprised someone didn't think of pouring iced coffee all over me when I was on my way from my quarters to the bridge! Yeesh! The attitude some people suddenly manage to gain when you don't have a rank! Anyway...as soon as I became captain again, we were met by- you know it- the Borg. Seven wasn't too thrilled. Her transponder reactivated and she turned all schizophrenic again and so we had to restrained her and put her in stasis because the Borg were trying to get her to put Voyager on self-destruct and she was quickly becoming a serious security risk. Contrary to popular belief, we'd prefer not to die before the day's out. Back to the Borg, though. Obviously they didn't assimilate us, or I wouldn't be here right now. But we're half dead, does that count? A few dozen cubes and a couple of spheres? Nothing I can't handle. Oh...except when they surround us from all sides. Then I know that we're officially, for lack of a more accurate adjective, screwed. I fired multiple torpedoes at two of the cubes so that we had a way to get out of there. The two main reasons I hate the Borg: the collective mind...it frustrates me! Especially tertiary vessels, I mean, scout ships are bad enough, but they have to have tertiary as well! Jeez! The whole hive mind thing, where they can communicate with each other at warp speed...on a tertiary vessel, that's almost always fatal. What can I say? We got lucky. And two: trans-warp capabilities. I mean, warp ten is cool...if you're the person who has it! Otherwise it's like sitting around and waiting for a Q knowing full well that the Q knows that you're waiting for him. Ugh! Okay, getting back to what happened though. We got away with minimal damages (translation: they took half the ship's systems offline) and I yelled for Q who came more than willingly (Ha! Jean-Luc Picard could never do that). q came with him. They then hid us in the continuum so we could repair damages to the ship's systems. The continuum was great...how could it not be? It was Earth! Well, we're back on course now. I convinced Q to drop us off at the edge of the Alpha Quadrant (oh, you have no idea how much I hate Starfleet for sending us to the Beta Quadrant. What, are we an experimental crew or something? I can see it now- how long can a crew survive in a non Starfleet-infested area?), so we're halfway home. Admiral Paris and Lieutenant Barkley will be pleased. I don't know about the rest of those people. I've been decorated like twice already, not counting my upgrade ceremonies and things, so I seriously doubt they'll do another one for me. What about B'Elanna? Maybe. Harry? Would it be humanly possible for them to skip him? Tom? Definitely. Me? No. That'd be kind of embarrassing to tell my grandkids. Although it'd probably be one of those little things that people skip. Yes, that's it. I just wouldn't tell them. I think I'm going to go unwind now on the holodeck. Coffee in Buenos Aires? Yes, I think so. I think I'll get the Doctor to go with me. Resistance is futile. Oops...what did I just say? Never mind. Too much of the Borg can do this to you.  
  
Kathy Janeway  
Current Captain  
U.S.S. Voyager  



End file.
